Sorry God and please forgive me for coming online even though I swore to you that I will not come online unless it's work related till after exams. But I really cant wait, cant wait to blog the things that I have thought through. Thank you god, thank you for making me realise.


These years, my world is a pit blackness. So many people around me, so many people who loved me and yet I don't seem to take notice of them. All I noticed is those who don't love me, who dislike me, whom I dislike, etc. Sometimes, it just makes me really tiring, tiring to look out for all these details, feeling sad, or even to the extent of crying over things or people who probably won't care. I never realised, it aint like my crying will make their lives any worse or things any better or my life any better. Whatever happened had happened and are already set. What for be gloomy over things that are already set and hinder yourself from progressing, from becoming a better person, from learning from your mistakes.


I admit. I cried for at least a week, cried myself to sleep everyday after the election results of basketball is out. I kept thinking, why am I not the vice capt? I never expect myself to be the captain but I ran for it hoping to prove my capabilities.


My first mistake. I guess I ran because I wanted to console myself more than wanting to bring the team to greater heights.


During the interview, I told the seniors present that I don't think I am suitable to be a vice captain and even said I will do a sucky job.


My second mistake. I honestly thought vice captain will suit me better than captain. Somehow everything I said turned out to be opposite of what I have been thinking in my mind. (It's just like what happened during the election for terra captain. In my written speech, I wrote about the plans I had lined up for Terra but when I stood up, I started condemning myself by saying that I have absolutely no plan for Terra for the time being.)


I was a sore loser. I cant see why someone being in the team for the longest deserved this kind of treatment since the seniors already knew whether I get the position or not matters a lot a lot to me, probably way more than anyone else.


But I haven't realised, in the process of being anxious to prove myself, to show that I am useful, I have neglected my passion for the sport, neglected the reason to play the sport. I have locked them up and even told myself, basketball brought me the most happiness but too the most misery. For once, I hated basketball. It wasn't the sport I hated, it was my fate in the team that I hated. I loathed and detested it. I even concluded that this election is my saddest period of time in my 17 years of life. Jealousy blinds people, and it blinded me.


Wasn't I the one who created this misery eventually?


Honestly, even till today, whenever I remember my post in the exco, there'll be this heartache lingering. But that'll probably be the last time that will happen in my life.


I don't know what made me do that today, but I went to read the card daniel sent me from Perth out of the blue moon. I realised, my life isn't that pathetic at all. I was really down this year because I had never received so little presents in my life ever during my birthday and there isn't even a cake for me. No one even wished me 2 simple words in school that entire day. Thinking back, why didn't I think about the card daniel sent me from Perth, and the best sister award Abel presented me with? Instead of looking at the quantity of presents I received, why didn't I look at the people giving me the presents and telling me indirectly that Hey! They do remember! They do care.


Perhaps the key to happiness is to receive things with an open heart and to have a big heart. I too have to learn to look at the bright side of life? (: I ain't asking myself to accept everything the way they are or to be complacent but to receive things with a different mindset. Life will probably be a lot happier and carefree this way.


Then, I had this urge to look through all my neoprints today. But no matter how hard I couldn't find them. Instead, I have found this farewell card that my friends gave me b4 I left st nicks for nj. Why didn't I ever acknowledge them as people I loved even on that day I left? Chers asked for my forgiveness but did I even reply her? Beatrice, Cc, Leiping, Boon meng, jia ming, chole, belinda, sue anne, mei ling, siggy, char... Did I even tried contacting them often? Simple acts like saying hi on msn? Nope, I never did.


Sometimes, it isn't that no one loves you, but that you ain't accepting the people who love and care you. Once this period of acceptance is gone, you'll probably never get a chance to accept them anymore.


Relating it back to basketball, what for cry over things that have already been set and neglect every nice thing that can happen after that and also neglecting the people around you? Those who wants your acceptance and you know who sincerely care for you. What for deny their niceness towards you?


From today onwards, I will not just exist but start living, living my life to its fullest. I will try to create a better future and not salvage the past.


Thank you god for giving me this chance to learn and understand how fortunate I am. Thank you god also for giving me this blessing in disguise and for making me grow up, grow up to be a stronger and better person. Thank you!



For now, STUDY and MUG HARD! ((:

feared @ 10:48 PM

I shall make believe that I will grow up to be a pretty woman. They say when young pretty grow up normally not so pretty. So I young ugly grow up hopefully will be pretty! WAHAHAHHAS! Love my logic even though I know it's a fallacy:l


If a therefore b
If b not necessary a


((:

feared @ 1:00 AM

I am DEAD.


Econs-> chapter 3.1 and 3.2 undone
Bio-> Only done cells
Geog-> Only finished physical geog, human geog only READ 2 chapters.
Math-> I have no idea how to describe where I am. I only finished the revision practice fully on mathematical induction. (See how dead I am going to be?)
GP-> UNTOUCHED.


I am DEAD.

feared @ 7:02 PM

I have a dream.. I hope to see myself following this guy's footsteps. YO MR WILLIN LOW! Maybe I should name myself Fillin Soh so that I will remember him. Or sillin or yillin. Sounds.. hahas. Oh well! I will follow you..... :D


Ice cream of the day (in preparation for tml tml?) CHARCOAL ICE CREAM!

Charcoal Ice Cream 炭アイス -- The "coalden" child of Japanese ice creams. A must-eat for the coal miners. Not cool, but undoubtedly "coaled." An ice cream that could char reputations. But the taste? Char-ming.



Don't even think I can go for bbq though.

feared @ 1:05 PM

Suay sia. 2 days ago, chop the frozen meat instead chop my own finger. That was the most blood I have ever seen flowing out from my finger. So now I wash my hand I will point middle finger cos the cut is there and I don't want water to touch it. Had piano lesson today and that sucks. My third finger hurts while playing my piece. Thought that during training will hurt my finger accidentally but luckily didn't. Plaster helps! :D


Training today damn suay lah. 15 minutes to end of training, I injured myself. This time my knee. Cos we were playing sth like dog and bone. The ball will be in the middle then Mr Sham will call the number then see who get the ball first. The person with the ball first will try to crash the board and score. Yea. Simply just get the ball and try to score. So it seemed like a match somehow cos Mr Sham will call more and more people out when no one scored.


The climax is here. There's this time will winghan pass the ball somehow it flew out of the court and I tried to save it by jumping for it and throwing it in back into the court before it touches the floor. I did save the ball but not myself. There's this puddle of water on the floor, due to the leaking water cooler pipe and I landed and it, slipped and landed on my knee instead.


Walao. I chua tio(got a shock in hokkien) okay! So suay land on that damn puddle. Couldn't straighten my leg for the first few minutes while I just landed on my knee. Kinda sucky. Kinda scared. Thought something will happen to my leg. Hahahs. Luckily, it became quite okay, slightly painful and a big blueblack. The serious part is now and then I will experience this sharp pain in my knee and I cant even ICE IT for goodness sake. I cant let my parents know, can I? Ahh. I can if I want to miss trainings for like one month! And my father doesn't believe in icing your injury. Sigh. and woah. I am finally blogging.


This holiday, I reflected a lot a lot. So much that I don't understand why I still can have a best friend. I don't see how and why anyone will like my character, behavior and temper. Hahhas. I probably will jia bu chu. Seriously. I don't think any guys will ever like me. Especially when they know me well enough to know who I am. Inferiority mindset? Low self-esteem? Hahahas. I hope so.




Zao zhi jing ri, dang chu wo jiu bu hui gao su ni wo chou lou de yi mian le. Wo heng ke pa ba. Ke pa dao lian ni dou zai bi kai wo. Ben yi wei ni you ke neng shi yi ge wo neng su ku de dui xiang.. Dan shi, shi qing kan qi lai hao xiang bing bu zhe me le guan.

feared @ 11:14 PM

Can I scream vulgarities here?

feared @ 9:13 PM

Ice cream flavour of the day. CURRY!




Some chinese quiz thingy



Math problems :l





Few templates I designed. They are random, seriously. May consider one as my new blog template.Love fatal frame.

feared @ 5:12 PM

Oh man. I really really really really really miss looking at pretty girls in st nick! ARGH. There are really A LOT. 7 who are seriously seriously pretty.


In no order,
Yanling
Geraldine
Michelle
crystal
kaili
zi wei
jaime


:D Ahh.

feared @ 10:56 PM

My ambition is to be a chef. :D To open a restaurant! Yep! The reason why I want to take business as a subject is so that I can open a RESTAURANT! :D I LOVE COOKING! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! :D

feared @ 10:19 PM